Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Sherri, your comment was so real. I feel like there are others out there who know exactly how I feel, even when I am not quite sure myself.
Barbara, your prayers were felt today. Sorry for the confusion on the date, it was today.
One thing I did figure out today, it's not so much what do I "DO" today, but more, what should I be feeling? Sadness, joy, both?? Is that even possible.
Thanks to the suggestion of a wonderful friend, Mira, I began keeping a diary of letters that are written to Mom when I feel the need to talk to her. At first, I wrote quite often, now, however, it is only once in awhile. I was able to write some last night and it felt so nice to have that connection if only for a moment.
One thing I have tucked into this diary are some tissues that my mom had written on about 7 years ago. She had written on three tissues as we drove to the airport Good Friday. The tissues said, "I love you" to my two eldest daughters who were with us, signed "Nana" and then one to me, signed, "Mom".
I have cards, letters, pictures, etc, to cherish, but what do I cherish most of all? These tissues! Why? I suppose because I was with her when she wrote them. I've kept them in my jewelry box for years and when she died I placed them into my diary to her with a few pictures. Honestly, it takes my breath away to read them. To see her handwriting as if she had just written them really moves me.
Funny thing, that was the day she decided to move closer to us. And I thank God that she did. Never did we know at that time we would have only 5 years left together and on Easter Monday, she would return to her Father.
Again, I really do appreciate the wonderful sentiments by all. I promise, the depressing tone of this blog will change soon!
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
You see, it still seems like yesterday that she was here. It feels so odd that I can look at her pictures, see her possessions, and yet, believe that she is no longer here.
I do understand that she is with God. I have a deep faith and I know that He has His arms around her and she is completely free of disease and pain. For this I am so grateful.
But my humaness is evident because I still want her here. I still long to talk to her. To look at her hands, smell her perfume, hear her laugh, even hear her complain.
I am not sure what we on earth should do on a day like today. Do we let the day pass and simply offer prayers? Do we acknowledge the pain that we feel just for the day?
Or do we simply let the day pass through our hands and not say anything? I don't want to burden the children with more sadness. Should I make them aware of what "today" is? Or do I sit back and relish their joyfulness and seek traces of her within them?
These things I know for sure. I miss her. Just as much today as the first day without her. I used to look forward to Easter, yet now the site of Easter bunnies brings a streak of sadness.
I love you, Mom. Still
Thursday, March 22, 2007
I've had a rough week. Poor me. I've been extremely busy and the kids have been more unruly than they usually are. I can't run. Poor me. I can't sleep well at night. Poor me. I am probably the most selfish person I know.
Here I sit, complaining about the little things that seem to crop up during the day and irritate me. Yet, the mother of this young man will never see her son again. Not on earth anyway.
How dare I complain that my 5 year old is driving me nuts or that the baby won't stop swinging from the kitchen lamp. At least they are here with me.
Monday started as it usually does. I try to scramble to get ready for the day, printing out school schedules, get chores started, and see my first TWLC student for the day. After the morning got going, the phone rang and a homeschooling friend asked if I was going to make the memorial for our hometown hero. How could I possibly say no? I mean, this is truly a life lesson that my children could learn that they would never forget.
We packed into the Suburban and headed for the area near the church. We ran into our friends there and they even shared some flags for us to wave. We only had one small one. I should have brough the full size one from our porch. There were so many flags flying, it was quite amazing.
As the hearse passed me, I began to cry uncontrollably. I tried not to let my children see. They make fun of me when I cry. Of course I cry at Lassie shows, so I'm an easy sell. But this was different. This was an ache so deep that I can't describe it. A young man, barely a man, just out of boyhood really, the same age as my oldest daughter, the same age as my friend's son, has died. This was a mother's son. This was another brother's brother. This was OUR son. He was OUR son.
I've never met Cory. I'm sorry for that. But I am so very proud of him. I am so very sad for the loss his family has to come to terms with. Somehow, none of this makes any sense anymore.
Sometimes Pride is a good thing. Pride in young men, big heros like Cory is a great thing.
For more details on the event, you can read about it here.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Friday, March 16, 2007
She has shown me what it means to give without expecting anything in return. She has shown me how faith and prayer are the only things that can really help sometimes. She has lived her life for God and her family. And we are the ones who are blessed by her efforts.
Happy Birthday, Mom! We all love you and treasure you more than you'll ever know.
Me: "Now what are the rules, Fish?"
Fish: (in an exasperated tone..) "Listen..."
Me: "And what else?"
Fish: (tone continues...) " Stay with someone the whole time..."
Mr. M: "We are going to go over ALL of the rules at the school before we go."
Fish: "Is this going to be like real stool???"
Hopefully not, Fish. Hopefully not.
I had a few errands to run yesterday and Fish needed some new sandals so we headed to the Super Wal-Mart to get it all done in one spot. Fish really doesn't like shoes, and despised the use of socks even more, so as you can imagine, his feet are somewhat odorous at any given moment.
A few weeks ago, he found some snow boots in my closet. They were actually the girls at one point in time, and for whatever reason, I have held onto them for many years. We don't get much snow in Houston, and as a result, they are practically brand new. (you can see them a tad bit in the picture above)
Well, my little clothes horse, er, I mean Fish, has adopted these boots to wear with everything, in every kind of weather. Since we are getting into the warmer weather here, I decided it was time to buy the boy some sandals. A side note here, Fish hates sandals.
As we were walking into the store, Fish asks me, "Mommy, WHY do I HAVE to wear sandals like that guy?!"
"What guy, honey?"
"You know mommy! That guy.... JESUS!"
After I picked myself up out of the door way, I said, "You mean OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR???"
How is a mother to respond???
We bought Aqua Socks.
So we are in the dreaded Wal-Mart, running very behind. It is almost time to get to the Food Pantry to help fill bags, I'm still in line, and we haven't eaten lunch yet. The cashier finally gets to us and we escape just in the knick of time to get everything done and still make it to the Food Pantry on time.?"
Then we walk into the parking lot and Fish looks down at his hand. "Mommy, did we pay for this?"
My heart sinks. "Ummm, no Fish, we didn't." I am so embarrassed to say that for a brief shining moment, (well, not so shining actually) I seriously considered not paying. Not my most holy moment, I know, but I really dreaded going back into that place and waiting in line again.
I told him, "Fish, we'll pay next time we come." Then my wonderful son, aka GUILT says, "But mommy, that's like stealing!"
My heart sank even more. "He's right you dork! What kind of lesson are you going to teach him if you don't turn around right this second," my self says to myself.
I am proud to say that we re-entered the Wal-Mart, stood back in line, waited another 15 minutes or so, and Fish PROUDLY paid 51 cents for his Push-pop.
Yes, we had to skip the Food Pantry, (sorry Mamabear), but I think a more important teaching moment arose, and Fish had to take advantage of it! He is, after all, the hands that will open the gates of Heaven for me...
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Here is Foo's contribution
On a summer day, when children play, they hear the sounds from all around. The cat's meow, and the dog's bark. The hoot of an owl. When all is dark and when they rise, they hear in the skies, a Cuckoo cuckooing watching Star Trek Enterprise.
(ok, star trek fans will truly appreciate this)
Friday, March 02, 2007
The kids know that Fridays are reserved for family. Occasionally something else will come up, but we really try to limit that.
Well, Stargate has been on hiatus for awhile now, and they aren't going to be on the air with new episodes after this season, so I've been wondering what we'll do with our Family Nights.
Then I came upon this last night. I looked it over and it seems like a very doable activity for all ages. I am hoping the rest of the family is interested in doing this, even in a modified fashion. Thank you to Jeff and his wife for the inspiration!