The sympathy he'll get...

All went well at the doctor's office, although Matthew was a bit disappointed that he didn't get to pick a color for his cast. All they had was white.

I relayed my broken arm story to him and shared with him how fun the old plaster casts were! Not to mention that I had mine up to my shoulder, during the summer, while I was a swimming instructor to 4 and 5 year olds who did not like the water much... oh the memories...

He spent the rest of the day collecting signatures on his cast. One from the barber, obviously visited AFTER this picture was taken, one from Mr. M at TKD, and lots from his friends and family. He was able to teach two classes tonight, though he did not feel up to staying for his own training. Hopefully he sleeps better with a more sturdy cast on.

Casting Call

We are off this morning to have the doctor don Matthew a cast. We'll post pictures when we can.

The swelling is down, but the pain is pretty severe at times during the day. Hopefully, the more permanent cast will relieve this problem.

Emma's First Reconcilliation

I am finally getting a moment to post Emma's picture from that special day. Here she is with her candle that she made to commemorate the event.

Quizno's Bob

Quizno's Bob has nothing on our little Brendan!!

And I had to share what three of my monkeys were busy doing yesterday!!

Broken Radius

My poor son Matthew fell of off his bike yesterday and broke his left arm. The radius to be exact. He is devasted as he has been intensely training for the weapons and sparring aspect of our upcoming tournament He has been in some pain while we await the swelling to go down so that his permanent cast can be placed later this week.

I tried to console him with the fact that he is still number 1! He is the first child to break a bone in the family. Hey, 6 kids, 18 years - 3 months and only one broken bone!! That's pretty good odds in my book! Of course JP has taken the cake on glass eating and 2nd - 3rd degree burns, and let's not forget the ol' hole in the heart! But broken bones... Matthew got the first place medal on that one.

Conversations with Fish

Mom: " Thanks for going with me tonight, honey!"
Fish: "I like going places with you, mommy!"
Mom: "That makes me feel so special!"
Fish: "Does that make your heart grow?"
Mom: "Yes, sweetheart, it does..."

Prayer of Parents for their children

O Jesus, Lover of Children,

bestow Your most precious graces

on those whom You have confided to our care.

Increase in them Faith, Hope and Charity.

May Your love lead them to solid piety,

inspiring them with dread for sin, love of work, and an ardent desire of worthily approaching Your Holy Table.

Preserve in them innocence and purity of heart;

and if they should offend you,

grant them the grace of a prompt and sincere repentance.

From Your Tabernacle watch over them day and night;

protect them in all their ways.

Grant that they may acquire the knowledge

that they need to embrace the state of life

to which you have called them.

Grant us a sincere love,

constant vigilance

and generous devotedness towards them.

Grant us all consolation on earth

and eternal reward in Heaven.

Amen.

Sanctity Sunday

Today is Respect Life Sunday. The anniversary of the tragic decision of Roe v Wade. Let us please pray for all lawmakers, medical professionals, and citizens who favor this decision to have a complete conversion. That they come to realize that each life deserves to live out its full life from the moment of conception until its natural death.

Let us also pray for those who have been affected by abortion, that they feel the healing power of Christ and feel His mercy in their lives.

Let us most especially pray for the Holy Innocents who have been lost through abortion. Those sweet souls that we will only meet once we get to Heaven.

Finally, let us pray stop assisted suicides, euthanasia, the death penalty and war. All life is precious and God's timing is perfect.

Hail Mary, full of grace
The Lord is with Thee.

Blessed are Thou amoungst women
And blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God
Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.
Amen

Help!

I have Haiku-itis! I have looked at Haiku for years, never really able to come up with much and now, I wake up with it in my head... What is going on? Am I infected with a bug? Here are a few that came to me as I awoke this morning

Breathe in, Breathe out, Peace
Snuggle close sleeping child,
Breathe in, Breathe out, Peace



Chocolate brown, wet nose,
Secrets only she can know
Behind her soft eyes.


Colors piled up
Seems like work that never ends
Caused by gifts from Him


Filled with seed it waits
God's creatures flock and eat a bit
Joseph fills it up

Just what will he be
Filled with grace from heav'n above
Prayers prayed every day

I may need to start a new blog just for this!

She Can Read!

Little Em' is reading! It brought tears to my eyes! After only two weeks of the Kid Potential Program , she is able to read fairly difficult words that she never would have been able to tackle just a few short days ago. It is truly a miracle. One of the most beautiful ones I have ever seen, aside from each child's birth.

Little Em' can read
She can do it with such ease
And mom is so pleased

My attempt at Haiku

Thanks for the inspiration, Cindy!

Think of a short verse
Matters little if it rhymes
But nice if it does

For more inspiration, check out Haiku of a Homeschooler

Just wondering...

I know that there are more important things in life, but why, oh why do things like this drive me nutso...?

Why does my tube of toothpaste have 5.6 oz? Why not just 6.0?? Are the toothpaste generals feeling generous giving me an extra .6 of an ounce or or they being stingy not wanting to hand over the extra to make a nice round 6 ounces?? My face wash has 6.7 ounces. You'd think for what I paid for the stuff, they could make it an even 7 ounces!

I have had it with stupid people today. If one more comes my way today I might go nuts. In fact, there is no "might" about it. It's a breezy day, maybe some of these folks had their brains blown right out of their ears. That's ok, if they use 1.2 ounces of gum, they can stick themselves back together...

Bad day... don't ask... Lord, make me nice again, please?

I have an owie...

Actually, I have a few of them. I drug myself onto the TKD mat last night and resumed my status as an eternal white belt. The last time I was on the floor was almost a year ago. Unfortunately, pregnancy and TKD don't mix well. Honestly, my pregnancies only mix well with sleep, eating, and throwing up.

So the hips are a bit sore today. As are the knees, the feet, and the hind quarters. Ahhh, the joys of being 40 and a new mom. But that won't stop me from being "super Mom" able to leap mounds of laundry in a few bounds, able to climb the stairs multiple times screaming, ARE YOU COMING DOWN FOR LUNCH??!!!

The scariest part of last night... seeing myself in those horrible mirrors wondering... whose butt is that exactly?? Oh, mine? YIKES!

At least the kids look good!

Why do I Homeschool?

After watching John Stossel's 20/20 report on Schools in America, I just had to post this...

Thanks to Cindy, who got it from her friend...

Our World is a Bit Off

It's funny what happens sometimes when you have a larger family. I have 6 six, 18 - 12 weeks. On numerous occasions, my older daughters have been holding one of my babies and have been asked "Is that your baby?" by wondering folks. My oldest was completely freaked out by this telling me at one point that she would never hold the baby again in public because she doesn't want people to think that SHE had the baby.

The other day my 14 year old was holding the baby and she was asked the same question. Her reaction was pretty much the same.

But today took the cake. I was at an appointment with my youngest daughter who is 7. My 10 year old son came along to help me with the baby. While I was in the treatment room with Em, an adult in the waiting room approached M asking him if he was the FATHER of the baby!! As my son relayed this to me, I thought, surely the man must have been joking with him. However he also reported to me that the receptionist had to chime in telling the man that M was in fact the BROTHER...

Weirdest thing of all, he was there with HIS 10 year old son.

I have heard it all now... At least for today.

Reconcilliation Day

Today my sweet little Em' will make her First Reconcilliation. She is so sweet and so small, how could she possibly have anything to confess? She is the most obedient child I have ever known, with the exception of M who is just as obedient. Yet, she is fretting so about what to do, what to say, what will happen.

Our school day will consist of copywork, playing a geography game, and then reviewing what to do during confession. I'll have M play the part of the priest. He went to confession last week and swears he wants to go every week now. So does B!

All of these years I have worried if I have been doing enough to pass on the faith, then I discover that God is really the one doing all of the work. I just help Him. And I don't do it very well, but I keep trying. I try by being a living example. Some days better than others, but always trying.

I remember my first confession. It was with Father Shea in Holyoke Mass at Sacred Heart Parish. I was a nervous wreck. I was sure I was going to Hell, but he made me feel so comfortable. My confession was face to face. It was 1972 or so with Vatican II changes all around. I remember sitting at a table, nervous as could be and Father Shea holding my hand as we "talked". I don't recall what I said, or what he said for that matter, but I left my 1st confession feeling wonderful and knowing God loved me.

I wonder what happened to that wonderful priest? He knew me by name! He would make a point of giving me a big hug after each Mass, whenever Mom and Dad took us... that's another story for another day.

Please keep Em' in your thoughts today as she receives her 2nd sacrament in the Church.

Is he a Dunn?

Well, you all vote and let me know... Everyone says he looks like me, I say I don't really think so... Maybe my brothers, but not so much me. He is almost 20 lbs, 12 weeks old yesterday and is not able to fit into the 3-6 month outfits that have feet attached.

New things he's doing...
He is starting giggle. It is the cutest thing ever.
He wakes up by turning his head back in forth against the sheets in rapid succession achieving a nice bald spot on the back of his head. I'll have to get a picture of that.
He loves to hear his siblings voices. He smiles whenever he hears them. Even mid-cry, he hears their voice, he smiles, and then returns to crying.

On that note, crying never goes longer than 15 seconds because one of the said siblings runs to his rescue. This child's feet will NEVER touch the ground!

Mama was speaking Tagalog to him on Sunday night and he loved it! It was so precious to watch them interact!

He still sleeps quite a bit, but I guess when you are lugging around 20 lbs, you tire quickly... LOL

Welcome 2006

As I reflect on the past year, I realize that we have come through so much. The loss of Mom, the difficulties with A, the heart problems with the pregnancy, and the welcoming of our newest son. I am sad to see 2005 pass away. I have done so much growing within, it seems this year. Trials tend to do that to us.

Typically, New Year's Eve is a night I spend in quiet, setting goals and dreams for the next year. Reflecting on the goals and dreams of the previous year. Tonight, I will spend with family and friends and cherish every moment of it. I will spend some time in reflection tomorrow, though I do have an idea of some of my goals already.

1. Spend more time reading to the children and less time worrying about housework.

2. Spend more time with the Lord in Adoration and less time talking about doing it.

3. Spend more time listening to others and less time talking.

4. Spend more time praying for others and less time telling them what I think they should do.

5. Spend more time with my husband and less time whining to him about spending time together.

6. Spend more time counting my many blessings and less time wishing for more.

What are some of your goals? Happy New Year!

What am I doing??

The house is in shambles, the fridge is bare, the checkbook needs balancing, and I don't care! (Hey, my first poem!!)

Honestly, we are expecting folks over tonight and I need to get some food for the event. But the blog calls.

I am so inspired reading other blogs. I wish I had the brain power to put mine together, but with a 10 week old in my arms 90% of the time, it is difficult to say the least.

I wanted to share what Christmas in a home with 6 kids looks like... I forgot to take a picture of the amount of garbage that we through out, but suffice it to say that my family alone is the reason our landfills are disappearing at an alarming rate!

My dear friend MJ was witness to the probably 15 bags that existed outside of the trash can which probably held 10 of its own. She'll vouch for me. She's a great friend... she didn't turn me into CPS! She even helped fold the laundry and then took us to lunch. Thanks, MJ!! I love you!

Enjoy the pictures of my home... I must be out of my mind!

Happy 1st Day of Christmas!

Today is the first day of Christmas! Don't put away the decorations just yet. Enjoy them a bit longer, say until Epiphany??

Advent is now gone and the preparation that we have all just come through now ends with great celebration. For 12 days we should be enjoying the season of Christmas! Sing those carols, give gifts, send cards, whatever makes you happy. Christmas is not over, despite what the "real" world tells us... it is just beginning

Merry Christmas to All

I am off the blog for the next few days. I plan to enjoy the holiday with my wonderful family focusing my attention and time towards them.

Have a safe and beautiful Christmas, and may God bless you many times over in the New Year!

I survived one, five more to go!

Well, I can't believe it, but I have survived the raising of one child. My sweet Alicia turns 18 today. I realize that I will always be her mom, and that I will never truly let go of the "raising" of her, but officially, legally, my role as her guardian ceases today. Is this a relief or a time of great sadness? For me, it is both.

I will never forget holding her the moment that she was born. Still purple, screaming, and drawing in her first few breaths of life. It was a cold, snowy, Hartford CT. morning. It had been a long hard labor, and I was exhausted. Mom was there waiting to see me. She was worrying about her "baby". I suppose one day, I'll do the same for Alicia.

I recall holding this precious bundle sent from Heaven above on my chest. She was swaddled ever so tightly and as she breathed in, so did I. We were in synch. It was probably the last time, (LOL) but nevertheless, we were.

These eighteen years have flown by. Some moments seemed as though they would never end, but all in all, as the saying goes, I don't know where the time has gone. I pray for her well being each and every day. I pray that she learns from each experience that she encounters. I pray I don't meddle too much or back away too far. It is such a fine balance, an art really, this parenting an adult child thing. I really don't like it much yet. I imagine it will get easier with time.

I remember thinking about becoming a parent one day. How I would teach the child many things about the world. How I would love her/him. How I would raise them to be a great and wonderful addition to society. But a funny thing happened along the way. Becoming a parent caused me to change the most. I had never considered how the core of my existence would change. I knew things would be different. No more late nights out with friends. Changing our daily routines to accomodate for naps, illnesses, school schedules, work schedules, etc. But again, I never realized how I would change.

Almost everything I thought I knew, I found out, I didn't. God is funny that way. He must look down on us, especially me, and chuckle to Himself. "Karen, when are you going to get it?? You are NOT in control!! LOL" Well, Lord, I think I am beginning to understand that now.

I believe that God has sent these 6 beautiful children to me with a purpose. These wonderful creatures have been hand selected by Him with my sanctification in mind. Each child has caused me to look deep into myself and has challenged my very being. I have become stronger, more faith-filled, and more committed to preserving LIFE as a result of raising God's gifts to me. Thank you Lord for all that you have presented me with. I take the responsibility of raising these precious souls very seriously and pray that I can return them to You as beautiful gifts for Heaven.

To Alicia, Happy Birthday, Honey. You are my world. You are the one who made me a mom. You are the reason I continue to have faith. You will set the world on fire one day and I will be so proud. I AM so proud. I Love You!

Back to homeschooling?

Baby is 8 weeks old today. We have had every intention of getting back into to "groove" of schooling, but babies tend to create different plans for you... aren't they wonderful??

Brendan is a great baby. He is happiest when someone is holding him, and honestly, we are all happiest when we are holding him. So, not much official schooling is getting done. And that is ok.

We are in a preparation phase around the house. We are preparing for Christmas. I love the season of Advent. Almost as much as I love Lent. The time for reflection and preparation of our hearts and minds to receive Christ is a wonderful opportunity to deepen our relationship with Him as well as with the others we share our lives with.

The season goes by so quickly. I never seem to be able to get all that I want to done, especially in my prayer life. Somedays the only prayer I get out is, "God help me..." Amazingly, He does.

So I must stop and ask myself from time to time, what exactly my goals are for the children as we travel the road of homeschooling together. Of course, I want them to become well-educated, well-socialized, and upstanding citizens of our society. But more importantly, I hope and pray that my husband and I will be instill in them a deep sense of faith that helps to guide them toward good decisions throughout their entire lives.

I asked my middle two children yesterday if they understood why we attend Mass? They must have thought me crazy! Of course, mother, we go to Mass because we are supposed to and it would be a sin not to! I applauded their answers and then said, "but do you really understand why God calls us to worship Him?" Their reply was precious. They both talked about how important it is to attend Mass so that they can receive God's grace through Holy Communion. The younger of the two has not made her first Holy Communion yet, but she still understands the importance of this act in our lives.

I asked if they thought they would continue to go to Mass when they were older and not under mom and dad's rules. They both said that they would. And I pray that they do. I wish I had. I wish my eldest would.

Back to my goals for my children... Heaven. Attain Heaven. I pray we will all arrive there together someday.

Did I mention...?

That our "hotel" is under renovation? Yep, that's right. Our floor looks like a run down roach motel! The room isn't bad, but the hallways getting to it are nasty! The carpets in the hall are moldy, coming up, wrinkled... just generally yucky. The mold in the hotel is pretty bad. My head is killing me because I am allergic to it all.

There is an area on the front of the hotel that looks like its been blown up. Maybe something out of Bagdad? I'll try to get a picture tomorrow. I know no one will believe me unless I can show them the pictures.

We're off to see if we can find our way to the Riverwalk. Our hotel is supposed to be on it, but turns out, it's not... What a surprise!

We made it!

Here we are in the lovely town of San Antonio. We arrived around midnight and checked in to our room.

We thought we were getting a queen size bed, wanted a king, but hey, we'll take what we can get...

The oh so cheerful front desk clerk hands us the key to our room which has two double beds... EXCUSE ME??? Did I mention that this was our first get away in FIVE years?????

About 1 am, we try to turn the tv on, but to no avail. We get static with no volume contol and it is stuck on LOUD!

About 1:20, maintenance shows up to tell us after fiddling with the tv that it is broken... uuummmmm ok.... glad we have the expert opinion on that one!

Lights out. In seperate beds. If this wasn't my life... I'd be laughing hysterically!

Baby and I slept great. Heck, we had tons of room in our own bed! I am sure Mark slept well too!

I plan to head to the Missions today and check them out while he is in his conference. It's a bit overcast today, but all in all, looks pleasant. Maybe by the time we get back, our tv will be working!

PS I say most of this tongue in cheek. I am elated to be away for a bit, just to have some time to relax...

Off for the weekend, I think

My wonderful husband and I haven't been away in well over 5 years together. You might ask why, until you meet my 5th child, Joe-fish. Then you'd understand...

This little guy is all personality mixed in with a healthy dose of "creative explorative" qualities as well as some health issues that make me a bit protective of him... need I say more? Ok, you twisted my arm.

Before his 1st birthday:

Our wonderful pediatrician discovered a hole in his heart which was miraculously healed. A miracle it was indeed! Thank you Rosa Mystica!

He then developed a seizure disorder which it appears he may have finally outgrown.

By his second birthday he had the experience of TWO ambulance rides! The first was for his first seizure, the second was for the 2nd and 3rd degree burns he received on his chest when he reached up and pulled down a cup of hot tea onto himself. After driving him to the ER on my own, the doctors decided he needed to go by ambulance to Texas Children's Hospital for a possible round of plastic surgery for the extensive burns he received on his chest. Again, another miracle. When the doctors removed his bandages the next morning, his burns were merely 1st and 2nd degree. Everyone was shocked. We again were shown the power of prayer and Our Lady's special blessing on this child. His new skin grew in quickly and for the longest time, it looked as though he had an angel on his chest.

This is the year he ate glass as well... don't ask... he was fine.

He gets into anything and everything. If you say no, it's an automatic yes in his mind. If you say he's too little, he'll prove you wrong.

Don't misunderstand me here, he is the sweetest little guy you'll ever meet. He's very smart, very caring, and very loving. But he is opinionated, strong-willed, and goal directed!

Back to my weekend away. Mark and I have been battling sickness all week ourselves. He a cold, mastitis for me. As if that does not bring enough joy to our world, we wake this morning to our sweet little fish man having a 101 degree fever... UUUGGGHHH.... This is one of those, "I'm gonna ask God about this someday" moments.

So the whole day I try to discern whether or not I should go. Mark has to go, he is attending a professional conference. Fees are paid and will not be refunded. My dilema is whether or not I should stay home and take care of him, which really just entails dolling out fever reducing medication every 4 hours and wiping his nose from time to time along with cuddling up with him when he looks so pitiful. Or should I take the chance that his uncle can handle the task, take the baby, and hit the road?

By 5 pm, we decide that Fish is ok enough for me to go... Now the real challenge... telling a woman that she has to pack for the weekend away not just for herself, but for a 6 week old baby in a record 45 mins!! An impossible task you might say, but I did it!

Pray for us to make it to SA without forgetting something very important... like the Baby!

I'll check in later!

Thanksgiving!

So the Turducken was a hit. Very tasty and I think it will be a new tradition around here. My turkey was enjoyed as well, but it was nice to try something new! Of course we over indulged on the many side dishes and desserts that were laid upon the buffet table, but isn't that what this day is meant for?

Besides, I won't be heavily training again until January. I am hoping I'll be up to it by then. Matthew wants to train with me so that we can Run through the Woods next year together.

My body seems like it is ready for training now, but timing is terrible. With the holidays and trying to finish up school for this year, I'll be happy to work on my walking trying to get my heart back in shape. I don't know what it's response will be after the trouble I had while I was pregnant.

Back to Thanksgiving. It was a great day. A bit emotional when I thought about Mom not being with us this year. In fact I broke down while saying our traditional grace. I think I saw a few tears in a few other eyes around the table as well. I felt her with me today, but I really would have loved it if she could have been here eating Turducken with us.

I am thankful for my family. Every single one of them. For my extended family and my wonderful friends. God has blessed me so very much. I should never have a complaint, yet I always manage to muster one up.

I look forward to this season of Advent. A time of preparation. A time of reflection. A time of reconcilliation. I pray that I can truly prepare myself in body, mind and spirit for the season of Christmas. I pray that peace will reign in the hearts and souls of those I love.

A few pictures from the wonderful day. He still smells of the chrism, even after his bath. I hope to get a few more shots up soon.

Baptism Day!

Today is the day my son will be perfect! Not that he wasn't already, but truly, in God's eyes, he will be absolutely perfect. I long for the scent of the chrism on his sweet little head. It is such a holy smell. Similar to the incense that one would smell during Mass. It drives home the fact that Christ is truly present along with the Holy Spirit.

We will be taking lots of pictures today, so I will post them as soon as I can. For now, you can enjoy some of the bathing beauty pictures!

me and the boys

Hospitals

Ok, pet peeve. I despise the medical BILLING industry. I have worked in the field myself for 15 years, but I can not stand the way these places do business!

My son is one month today. Guess what I get a bill for? His hospital stay. The hospital is billing me for 682.67 for his room and board. This would be fine with me, except the insurance doesn't pay for the infant's stay as it is included in the mother's charges. Oh, and did I mention that the hospital doesn't even provide a nursery for the baby? That's right! The baby rooms with the mom! So, what exactly am I supposed to be paying for? The breast milk that I feed my child from my breast? The space that he took while sleeping next to me in my twin size plastic bed? Maybe there is a fee for the air which he breathed in while in the hospital??

Another example of stupidity. Another few hours on the phone with various people who can't help me and don't care...

I swear... If I ran the world.... LOL

Back to Reality

Well, the time has come to get crackalackin'!! Baby B is 4 weeks old tomorrow, so I need to get the other children back to their full schedule of school work. They have actually become quite bored with things around here, so I think that they will embrace the change of pace.

I have changed a few things on their schedules, nothing major, but more of a shift in focus. Back to the Shakespeare, writing, and read alouds, as well as our faith formation. I seemed to have let the boring "table work" invade the house. I miss cuddling up with the kids and reading to them. Hopefully Baby B and J will cooperate enough to let me get some reading in.

I have had some time to organize a few things around the house. It seems I am always trying to organize something... I guess that is the control freak side of me. Hopefully the cabinets and binders will stay somewhat organzied for a little while.

The kids always LOVE me when I revamp the chore chart... LOL!!! But I've done that too. I decided to make a "chore wheel." Now they can alternate chores once a week. We'll see how that works. I have added the aspect of Room Patrol to the chore wheel. For instance, whomever is in charge of emptying the dishwasher is also in charge of doing the room patrol for the kitchen. They need to make sure the surfaces are all clean, the floor is swept, and the garbage in emptied, BEFORE they have their free time in the afternoon. We'll see how this goes...

Now if we could just get the weather to feel more fall like. Thanksgiving is next week and I just can't get into the cranberry, pumpkin pie making mood when it is over 85 degrees!!!

Baby B is going to be baptized next weekend. I need to spend some time this week preparing certain items. It looks like we'll have about 80 people showing up for this "little" get together!

Thankfully, my wonderful extended family is helping out with food! I love those guys!!


J drew a picture of the Alchemist from "Leggo my Ego" (the Veggie Tales Larry Boy cartoon). I thought he did a great job!!

The other picture is of Baby B's feet. They are so precious.

A few new pictures

It seems that the days are just flying past me now. We waited so long for precious little man to arrive, and now, as much as I want to stop time and enjoy him just as he is for a very, very long time, the clock seems to be on overdrive! He is already 3 weeks old.

He gained a pound his first two weeks, and according to my scale at home, he has gained another 1.5 to 2 lbs. this week! He is quickly growing out of his newborn diapers and layette. NO FAIR! I want him to stay so little for much longer. Of course, 9 lbs of baby is not little to start with!

The kids are so great with him. Each has their own job. B helps with diapers and walking him around, M likes to put him to sleep, E helps with the baths and dressing, and J is the diaper fetching boy! His job is to bring the diaper basket to me when we change baby. He loves his job and will have an outright fit if someone else tries to do the job for him.

All of the above is an excellent exercise for me. Letting go of the "Contol" that I so desperately want to hang onto. I have to make myself relinquish control to the kids so that they can bond with him to. Poor DH, I don't give him enough time with the baby either. Of course, I'd love all that extra help on the 2 am- 4 am shift! Where are they then??? Oh well, I must admit, having the dark, quiet, still house all to ourselves is pretty neat. We just admire one another and fall deeper in love...

Battling the blues has been my biggest challenge the last week or so. I've never really experienced this before. I feel like I am coming out of the funk a bit today and yesterday, but I am still not back to my usual self.

I am coming to realize a few things about myself that I suppose I knew before, but finally recognize that I need to either change or accept, whichever is applicable. I am a control freak. I said it. I hate it. But it is true. Knowing this, I have to make a decision sometimes hourly to allow others to do things THEIR way sometimes. Boy, that is an eye opener for me.

Next, I am very, very, very hard on myself. In turn, this is how I judge others. I expect that I should live up to a certain standard, and I hold the bar just as high for my family members. Totally unfair, but true. I know that there must be a positive aspect to this trait, and I am determined to find it! But in the meantime, I do need to assimilate a more gentle list of expectations on myself and those closest to me.

Now, has anyone seen that ridiculous infomercial that comes on late at night regarding "elmination habits"? Don't even get me started....

All Hallow's Eve

Here are a few snapshots from Halloween. We dodged the terrible rain storm and got in an hour of Trick or Treating. Just enough to guarantee we rot our teeth out of our head!

Fall has arrived!

Today is a most perfect example of why we live here in Texas! What a glorious autumn day. Perfect temps with a light breeze and sunny.

We headed to our local park for a bit of the fall festival. The kids really loved it! It brings back so many sweet memories of when the older two were of the age to enjoy these things, of course I had time to sew beautiful costumes back then. I hope to do that again someday. Perhaps for my grandchildren???

Here are a couple of shots of the day.

Baby B is Here!

Oct 17 our littlest troop member entered the world. At 10:43 am, we welcomed 9 lb 21.25" Brendan into the family!

He is gorgeous, as you can see. I will try to post some more soon, but right now, just wanting to get this up and running.

K

Long Overdue

Mom has left this world to go on to bigger and better things. Knowing that she has been totally healed and is no longer suffering makes things easier, but there is still a pain that can not be described in words. It is an aching of sorts. Sneaks up on me at the strangest times. Like walking through the grocery store and walking by a display of her favorite type of chewing gum. How I wish I could buy the whole display and drop it off to her. Or seeing her favorite author publish a new book, and she isn't here to read it. Should I read it for her? Should I be angry at the author for being so insensitive to my pain??

Mom spent the last few days of her life in hospice care at the hospital. She was removed from all medications except those that would make her comfortable. Her bruising (caused by the blood thinners) had all disappeared by the time she passed. She hadn't looked more beautiful than the night before she died.

She started to have extreme difficulty breathing on Weds night, but they were able to get it under control and make her comfortable. In her sense of humor, (she could see the panic in my eyes, I'm sure) she said, "I just want you to relax so you don't lose that baby". I assured her that I was much to sick to be in jeapordy of losing this baby.
On Thursday, I tried to call her hospital room several times, but she would not answer. Finally I called the nurse's station and they told me that she was having great difficult breathing. I asked if I should come and be with her and they said that they felt she might become more anxious, so they would call me if they thought I should be there.
Shortly after that, the call came that I should get there asap. They were moving her to ICU.
By the time I got to ICU, my brother was also there, we went to the waiting room and waited. They finally came in to tell us we could come back for a few minutes. Honestly it was a terrible scene. The nurse was poking her and prodding her trying to get blood for testing. She was not having much luck, and we requested that she stop. We knew that we were at the end and we would be calling hospice in the morning. She would not stop. Finally another nurse told her to stop. Thank you.

We spent a few minutes with mom. She was resting comfortably, but not able to really speak with us. We told her we loved her and that we would be back in the morning.

The next day, Good Friday, we called hospice in and they took over her care wonderfully. She was seen by a priest for her last sacraments which was a beautiful site to be witness to, especially considering the day that is was.

She was then moved to a very nice, large room. It was peaceful and quiet. Nursing staff involvement was kept to a minimum. She was not able to speak, save for a few very labored words. She was not able to eat.

The next day, I brought my two youngest children in. I went into the room first to assess the situation. When I walked in, Mom was sitting up in bed looking around. She didn't speak, but when the kids walked in, she smiled and gave them each a big hug and kiss. She was so happy! Then she laid back down and did not move much after that. I had brought a Wendy's Frosty along for the ride, since that seemed to be the only thing that settled my pregnant tummy. I thought she might like a bit of it. SHE DID!! I spoon fed her a few tastes. She licked her lips and waited for more. I could tell she knew what it was and she loved having it. It had been on her forbidden list of foods for some time.

We visited that day for some time and then again on Sunday. Easter Sunday. I stood by as the nurses bathed her and saw her body free of bruising. She looked so pretty. So comfortable. So peaceful.

I told my husband that I felt I should stay the night. He offered to stay, but I said no. We should both go home. I gave her a kiss, told her I loved her and left for the night. I promised I'd be back in the morning.

I checked with the nurses before I left for the night to make sure that they would call me if anything changed. They promised, as they did every time I asked, that they would. I had given each nurse I had met my numbers, but this night I did not. I was sure that after two weeks of doing this, they certainly had the numbers in the right place.

At 5:45 Monday morning, I received a call from the night time hospice nurse who informed me that my mom had died around an hour before. I was devasted. How come no one called? They told me they would call! The nurse told me that the hospital did not have my phone numbers. I can't explain that. Only that it must have been in God's Plan to not have me there. I wonder often if she woke up and wondered where I was. I wonder if she was feeling alone, scared, or abandoned. I have to tell myself that she was resting comfortably, just as I left her. I have to believe that when Christ came to get her, she was so happy to go, that she never looked to see if I was around. I have to believe that as she sits in Heaven with Our Lord, she looks upon me now telling me that she is proud of me and wants the best for me. But I still wonder... did I do everything I should have? Did I make the right choices? Did I follow her wishes? I suppose I'll always wonder.

I miss her everyday. I miss her calls. I miss her smell. I miss her laugh. I miss her spunk. She was so strong. The strongest person I know. She fought and fought, and fought to stay here. We had time that we never would have had unless she did fight.

I thank God for the doctors that she had who believed in her will to live as long as she could. I am thankful to the hospice staff and pallative care nurses at St. Luke's who helped mom and I to see where we were in our journey and what our roles should be.

I thank God for each friend and family member who has been there for us. For every single prayer and thought that was offered on our behalf. And for the support of my children and husband who allowed me to be with my mother through the most difficult time of her life.

Hold each one you love as tightly as you can. For today is all we have, yesterday is a memory and tomorrow may never come.

K

A bit overdue!

So much pressure to post now that I have an official blog. Kind of like my journals. One day, once I'm gone, someone will find my journals and think that something must be missing because of the huge gaps in entries. Alas, I just lose track of time and don't get to write or now, post.

Things with mom have been so busy. She needs much more help than before, and I am burning out quick. I am trying so hard to carry out what God has called me to, and I can do the physical work, but it's the inside stuff that really goes bad. All of the anger, resentment, hurtful thoughts I experience when I am trying to help her. I suppose as my dear friend Cindy has said to me before, it is much easier to care for a stranger than for your own family. I think that goes double when it's your mom. Don't get me wrong, I love her. I love her more than I could ever say, but I am so sensitive to every little criticism she gives me. If this was a patient of mine, it would be laughable, but it's my mom and I stew about it. I try so hard each day to not let it get to me. I am asking St. Jude for peace each night, and it is getting better, but I want to be better than better. I want to be the example that Christ calls us to be even in the face of unpleasantness.

The other issue is how torn I feel as a mother myself. I am caught between trying to take care of mine and being one to my own. I have to leave them for hours at a time some days and it just isn't right. My first priority is to my children. I know this. But when I look at the fact that mom can't cook for herself, do her laundry, walk her dog, clean her house, even get in the shower sometimes without the possibilty of falling and injuring herself (which she has done several times already) how can I make than a 2nd priority. Everyone tells me that my kids will understand. That this won't be forever. I know that. But it has been steady for the last 4 years. And then those thoughts that really make someone feel wonderful..."when she isn't here anymore... I'll be able to do more with the kids"... hmmmm, somehow that isn't very consoling.

I am so grateful to have had each day with my mom. We have mended many facets of our relationship. Each day I have now is truly a miracle as there is no explanation as to why she is still here. Other than a Divine one.

Her faith has grown and continues to grow. Mine has as well. He continues to sanctify me through all of this. That sanctification is most often not very comfortable, but worth the pain.

E turned 7 today. She is so bright and beautiful. Can I keep her just as she is forever...???

Wishing you each a blessed Lenten season.