God is Moving Me

Another layer of my spiritual onion is peeling away... painful, but knowing that His hand is in this makes it worth the journey.

I will post more once I can make a bit more sense of it all.

For now, I will post these lyrics to Matthew West's song, The Motions.


This might hurt
It’s not safe
But I know that I’ve gotta make a change
I don’t care
If I break
At least I’ll be feeling something
‘Cause just ok
Is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

No regrets
Not this time
I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love
Make me whole
I think I’m finally feeling something

Take me all the way
Take me all the way
Take me all the way

Attitude Adjustment

I've been in a bit of a funk the last few days. Nothing major, but just an internal churning that usually signals to me that my spiritual life is not as it should be.

I am always embarrassed to look back over my thoughts and behaviors and see how ridiculously selfish I can become.

On the outside, it manifests itself as me appearing extremely frustrated and stressed out. If only I could recognize immediately what is going on and fall to my knees, beg for His forgiveness and then count every blessing I have.

No. I have to do it the hard way. I have to hurt the ones closest to me, or at least make them uneasy which is not fair to them. Thankfully, gratefully, they seem to still like me and put up with me. Another true blessing.

I see that it is time to pull out some St. Francis de Sales and get back to the business of striving for holiness. I pray that when I reach those personal points from which my root sin stems, that I can look to the cross, embrace it, and carry mine with a much more pleasant affect.

Easter 2009

We were so blessed with a beautiful Easter this year. The weather was a bit questionable as we made our way to church in the pouring rain. We were quite certain that our plans of an outdoor egg hunt for the little ones was a wash and I was wracking my brain trying to figure out a way to hide eggs for 11 children in my home!





As we sat in church waiting for Mass to begin, the rain stopped, the sun began to shine and the church filled with a glorious light as the rays shone through the stained glass windows. Truly a moment to be savored.

As the Entrance Alleluia was sung, I immediately began to cry. It was so moving to hear the Alleluia which has been left out of our Mass since Ash Wednesday. I felt my mother's presence through out the entire Mass, with every song that was sung. She would have loved it all.

Even Mark mentioned that the last time it rained on Easter was the last Easter that she had at her place in the country. The whole family went out there and she loved every moment of the day. I remember that last time. It was raining, yet it seemed to stop just long enough for us to hold the egg hunt, only to start raining again soon after we were through. I remember being outside with the children and looking at her as she watched from her window. She was too weak to join us outside, but she was still enjoying watching the fun from where she was. I also remember hearing a voice, or having the thought, "this will be the last year she will be able to be here."

That proved to be true. The next Easter was the last day I saw her. The next day she passed into the arms of her Lord, and she never looked more beautiful.

I am so grateful to have the memories that I have of the last few moments of her life. It is a testimony to me to live each day to the fullest, to love always, to forgive easily, and to never be afraid to be hurt.

Good Friday

I am not able to make the service at Church today, for this I am sad, however, taking the quiet time at home has given me some time for quiet reflection in which I can venerate the Cross and all that it stands for in a special way this year.

I love the liturgy of Good Friday, but I will admit, I get caught up the in pageantry of it all. The smell of the incense, the visual beauty of watching the clergy and altar servers coming forward to the altar and prostrating themselves before the cross of Our Lord, the moving music. I can see it all in my mind, and yet, this year, I feel an even stronger desire to reflect at home.

4 years ago on Good Friday, I looked on as a very compassionate priest came to my mother's bedside and administered the rights of the dying to her. She was at such peace, as was I. I knew what was to come, yet there was no sadness. How could there be? As I watched her enter into her final steps from this life to her eternal one?

I miss her very much, still. I suppose I always will. She is with me because I carry her memory where ever I go. I keep her close to me as I face life's struggles. They are nothing in comparison to the physical struggles she endured just to stay with us one more day.

And then there is Christ. Crucifixion alone is said be one of the most painful paths to death, yet he took it. But that is not all he took. He took upon himself the very sins that I commit this day and every day yet to come. The weight of my sin on my soul is sometimes more than I can bear, yet, He was able to take all of mine, all of the world's sin, then be crucified. I know that His Divine nature allowed Him to be able to do this. Would I be so willing to do the same for Him, or for anyone else? I daily ask God to let certain cups pass me by. Occasionally, I will recall that Jesus also said, "if it be YOUR will". I need to recall that more often.

Instead of looking upon the challenges of life as burdensome, I am now beginning to understand the weight of my own cross and the joy that I can find in carrying it for Him and with Him.

As we here His final words, "It is finished", let us remember that Christ was not speaking of His own death, but rather, that the Will of God has been completed, and it was done so perfectly and out of Love for each one of us.