Wednesday, February 09, 2005

A bit overdue!

So much pressure to post now that I have an official blog. Kind of like my journals. One day, once I'm gone, someone will find my journals and think that something must be missing because of the huge gaps in entries. Alas, I just lose track of time and don't get to write or now, post.

Things with mom have been so busy. She needs much more help than before, and I am burning out quick. I am trying so hard to carry out what God has called me to, and I can do the physical work, but it's the inside stuff that really goes bad. All of the anger, resentment, hurtful thoughts I experience when I am trying to help her. I suppose as my dear friend Cindy has said to me before, it is much easier to care for a stranger than for your own family. I think that goes double when it's your mom. Don't get me wrong, I love her. I love her more than I could ever say, but I am so sensitive to every little criticism she gives me. If this was a patient of mine, it would be laughable, but it's my mom and I stew about it. I try so hard each day to not let it get to me. I am asking St. Jude for peace each night, and it is getting better, but I want to be better than better. I want to be the example that Christ calls us to be even in the face of unpleasantness.

The other issue is how torn I feel as a mother myself. I am caught between trying to take care of mine and being one to my own. I have to leave them for hours at a time some days and it just isn't right. My first priority is to my children. I know this. But when I look at the fact that mom can't cook for herself, do her laundry, walk her dog, clean her house, even get in the shower sometimes without the possibilty of falling and injuring herself (which she has done several times already) how can I make than a 2nd priority. Everyone tells me that my kids will understand. That this won't be forever. I know that. But it has been steady for the last 4 years. And then those thoughts that really make someone feel wonderful..."when she isn't here anymore... I'll be able to do more with the kids"... hmmmm, somehow that isn't very consoling.

I am so grateful to have had each day with my mom. We have mended many facets of our relationship. Each day I have now is truly a miracle as there is no explanation as to why she is still here. Other than a Divine one.

Her faith has grown and continues to grow. Mine has as well. He continues to sanctify me through all of this. That sanctification is most often not very comfortable, but worth the pain.

E turned 7 today. She is so bright and beautiful. Can I keep her just as she is forever...???

Wishing you each a blessed Lenten season.